Atenção: contém ironia (mas não só).
When you come to Brazil, bring your cotton khaki shorts, Indiana Jones hat, and long-sleeved beige shirts. Or even better, any faded pastel colours and shorts pulled up halfway to the chest. I have heard that socks and sandals are trending again. There are lots of mosquitoes all year round. It is a jungle, after all.
Remember that the capital is Buenos Aires, as we adore Argentina. Know your geography! Ah! We also speak Spanish; you should start a conversation by saying, Hola, como estás? We love that.
When you are in a restaurant, yell at the waiter in English, or even better, speak loudly and slowly as if they understand your language spoken in that particular way. Also, it would help if you paused many times; English is more difficult than Spanish. Assume the local population speaks English as well as you do. Do not learn Portuguese; ops! Spanish. By all means, behave as you are entitled—much obliged.
Treat all Brazilians as loyal servants and the whole country as one big nation where we drink, talk, and eat the same stuff over and over again. Ensure that you mention samba and caipirinha in every single conversation you have. Everyone knows how to dance samba, and we live in a jungle—no internet here. Good luck with that!
By all means, talk about how exotic our women are and have a picture of a morena in a samba school parade. Also, as a conversational starter, say something like, “You don´t look Brazilian.” Either because the human being you met by chance is white or not quite black or Latino-like, one cannot go wrong with that icebreaker!
Remember, everyone is dark; we are Latinos here. If, by any chance, you bump into a white person, English or German is the language of choice. Not Spanish!
When in Rio, make sure you go uphill and have some Favela experience, observe and photograph the local poverty, and post on Instagram with the caption: When in doubt, buy a ticket to Brazil. You will find foreigners roaming freely up and down during the Favela Chic experience. You will be surrounded by a mix of cultures and languages as you navigate the vibrant streets of the favela. Despite the sweltering heat, the atmosphere is electric with excitement and curiosity.
It is always so hot that we still do not know why it snows in Gramado. You have never heard of Gramado. No worries; Brazil is all about the beaches; stick to that. After all, we only have Rio and now the South, where many gringos are coming to live as digital nomads.
Bring your bulletproof vest, and do not forget that we all have an AK-47 at home. Dangerous perils everywhere you go. Be aware of that!
Be suspicious, sceptical, and distrustful. You will get ripped off by all the Brazilians you meet along the way. Brazilians are rogues and sons of guns, just like Zé Carioca, created by Disney. Moreover, friendly, always cheerful, and in a good mood, we are ready to celebrate and present all the charms of Brazil.
But don’t be fooled by our warm smiles and hospitality. On the surface, we are cunning and deceitful, always looking to take advantage of unsuspecting foreigners. So be on your guard, keep your wits about you, and never let your guard down. Brazil may be a land of beauty and joy, but it’s also a place where danger lurks around every corner. Welcome to Brazil!
Viajar é Fundamental 